Last night I dreamt ……..

…… not that I went to Manderley again but that my mother-in-law gave birth to sextuplets! And this morning I have woken up feeling so refreshed and calm.

Others might have been worried by such an event but to me it is a massive improvement on a recurring theme in my dreams. Every now and again I would wake up remembering a dream in which the central theme was always the same. It was always filmed slightly differently with a different director, set and script writer but the core of it never wavered.

I was always on some form of transport. Sometimes it would be a bus, another time a train or even a plane. I was on a journey and encumbered with vast amounts of luggage and most of it not matching. It was more likely to be odd-shaped packages and bundles than fancy-coloured leather suitcases from a designer range. I knew that I would have to “get off” this transport soon and so I set about gathering my belongings but even as I did so I knew that the task was impossible and either I would have to alight with only some of my stuff or the transport would race on past my stop.

So why does having this new dream make me feel so good? My mother-in-law is faced in old age with having to bath and change the nappies of six assorted offspring. Her house is not equipped for such a task and she now lives so far away from all her children, their spouses and children that we can’t be much help. I grant you that she has miraculously recovered her beautiful figure and skin which I had previously only witnessed in the family album but she has to cope with the daily, well to be realistic hourly, needs of her new family.  The answer to my question is that I feel so elated about all this because it is HER problem and not mine. If I can I’m sure I will visit sporadically and offer a helping hand but I don’t HAVE to. The decision is mine. I can take it or leave it.  Yes I’m, a selfish person. Most of the time I will just leave her to stew in her own juice.

You do remember that this is a dream, don’t you. This isn’t about me and my mother-in-law. It is about me and my life. Most of all it probably relates to work. I have come to the realisation that the baggage/babies aren’t mine. I am currently employed to deal with the baggage/babies but I could in reality just get up from my desk and walk out of the door never to return. All I would lose is a monthly salary but most importantly NOT my sanity.

I am being remarkably calm given that by tonight I have to hand in “something” about how I see my job, what has to be done and what is the best way of doing things and in what areas am I not achieving the necessary etc. Then on Thursday I have a “meeting” with our new MD. So why am I serenely tapping away on my keyboard instead of scribbling away with a scratchy pen trying to justify my own existence? Because it’s not my problem. I didn’t give birth so I don’t have to take the responsibility. I have the luxury of merely being an irresponsible employee who at any point in the day can stand up, go to my window and shout “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this any more”But I won’t because I’m calm and collected and I am just going to let it all just wash over me while I sit with a serene smile on my face. You bath the baby.

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